One thing about change: New beginnings. But what if you are not ready for a new chapter?
Recently I came back home after 6 years living and working abroad. This decision was not taken lightly. It took my husband and I one year of long and deep conversations, a thorough analysis of all pros and cons, in between disagreements and second-guessing our thoughts and emotions.
After long debates and valid concerns, we were ready to come back home. And we immediately felt at home. This was our new beginning. The start of a new chapter.
We wanted more than anything to be closer to family and friends, to reconnect to our roots, to regain the support of our community. We wished for our kids to spend quality time with their grandparents and aunts and cousins. To be surrounded by our culture and costumes.
Despite the challenges, all efforts and energies spent during this transition period were worth it. We were finally home! However, we did underestimate the extent of this new chapter.
It is not only coming home, but also building a new life at home. A place that has been experienced as the occasional holiday spot for get-together with family and friends for the past years.
Reality hit me like a bucket of cold water when I received a job proposal from the company I've been working at for the past seven years. Truth is I was expecting to feel appreciated and valued for my skills, my knowledge, my experience abroad, my time within the company. I felt the opposite of that.
In the following days, my head was spinning as if I were riding a roller-coaster, hours on end. Emotions were running high in all directions from feeling disappointed and angry to feeling ashamed, ungrateful, depressed, stuck.
It took me several conversations with a few close friends including my loving sister and my supportive husband, a bucket of tears and a couple of walks in the freezing cold to calm me down.
I still decided to accept the proposal. Even though my intention here is not to dwell on the reasons leading to my decision, I still had to write about it.
I could have kept my story in the dark and instead write about how brave I was to trade a steady work-life in Germany for an unknown future in my home country. That would have been a way more inspiring narrative! But that would mean not living up to my truth. And yes, it hurts a bit...actually, a lot.
If you are my frequent reader, you know how I praise growth, transformation, boldness every chance I get. So, you could be thinking 'she is not practicing what she preaches'. In this case I'd say you are totally right.
One thing this situation reminded me of is that life is not black and white. Decisions belong to you, even when they are not always only yours to take. Accountability though is up to you, so own your decisions.
Whatever is happening in your life at the moment, whatever new beginning you are not capable to say 'yes' to right now; don't let it embarrass or defeat you. You know your reasons and if fear is one of them, occasionally it is okay.
There is always tomorrow. As long as you stay strong and connected to your true self, new beginnings will be waiting when you are ready to embrace them and show the world your best version.